Buffy-Ingenuity=Ringer

Boy, did Sarah Michelle Gellar choose the wrong vehicle for her comeback or what? Yes, Buffy's back, but it's not pretty. Frankly, the best SMG's new tv show can hope for is a REALLY early cancellation.

I thought maybe it was just the pilot. I considered the idea that I was terribly biased on account of the Buffy love. I tried to step back and pretend SMG had never swung a stake in Sunnydale.

In short, I focused on being open to the slayer's new project. I mean, there's only one Joss Whedon. The chances of SMG hooking up with a production team as awesome as her old crew were pretty slim.

Expectations now seriously lowered, I watched two more episodes...

...and the best I can say is, there's a very talented cast going to waste on some seriously mediocre scriptwriting, more's the pity.

I honestly gave Ringer a fair chance. Really I did. Unfortunately, Buffy: The After Years is atrocious. Well, to be fair, the first episode was atrocious. From then on, the show moved forward to merely awful. (As Xander would say, "Yay??").

Gellar plays an ex junkie stripper. Oh, and she has a really rich identical twin sister (as you do). The pilot's so cliche-ridden you might want to wear protective headgear because there's only so many times you can be slapped in the face with a tv stereotype.

Gellar Twin #1 is a witness in police protection, complete with wooden FBI guy who says lame and predictable lines about putting the bad guy behind bars blah, blah, blah.

We start off at Alcoholics Anonymous, where Gellar convincingly non-portrays her character (ie shows us how ill-cast she is to play an ex-junkie stripper).

I also loved how the authorities 'hide' their star witness at a cheap motel, complete with a plain clothes cop sitting guard outside her room 24/7. CAUSE THAT'S NOT WEIRD OR BOUND TO DRAW SUSPICION.

Now on the run, having wigged out on the witness thing, Twin #1 goes to see Twin #2. This is an uncomfortable and weird scene 'cause the twins have history. Or herstory. Maybe herstories??

Also, I can see that Twin #1 is going to be the better person, despite her dodgy past. How do I know this? Because she wears her hair down a la naturale. Hence, she is now the good twin. (I've watched enough bad television to recognise the signs).

Suddenly, FOR NO REASON, they take a boat ride together without changing into, I don't know, boat riding kind of clothes?? Or is that boat more of a mini-yacht?? (Frankly, I'm not rich enough to tell the difference). Back to my oh-so-important point. Shouldn't they be wearing bathers, maybe? Or even kaftans?

Note: The above was meant to read, "take a boat ride together in the studio". MY EYES. (Did I mention I'm sensitive to low grade effects?)

Twin #1 wakes up on the boat/yacht whatever (obviously after being drugged, but frankly EVERYTHING about this story is brutally obvious at this point) and Twin #2 is gone, her clothes floating in the ocean. Naturally (as naturally as twinkies growing on trees), Twin #1 becomes Twin #2.

Now we get to watch Twin #1 stagger around pretending to be Twin #2. To pull this off, she needs to figure out who her friends/family are. There's also a lot of convoluted soapie-esque group dynamics etc, because these people are rich Americans. Everyone who's anyone knows this automatically translates into DRAMAH DARLING.

It's true. Loaded US of A citizens have affairs all the time and scheme a lot, because, hello, who hasn't seen popular documentary series Gossip Girl? (She is everyone's favourite voiceover-er and KINDA like the U.S. version of David Attenborough).

SHOCKINGLY (by which I mean, not shocking in any way), it turns out rich twin is not dead but pulling some kind of complex ruse. Frankly, it's hard to care as she is a two-dimensional caricature of Wealthy Types, ie standoffish/scheming/self-absorbed/wandering around in a lot of bling.

And get this- she hits the (fake?) European streets in disguise. By which I mean, A BIG HAT AND DARK GLASSES.

The plot thickens (or should I say congeals, becoming more sluggish, glugg-y and generally inconsumable), when someone tries to kill the rich twin. Keeping in mind it's actually the poor twin pretending to be the rich twin, but nobody knows that. Except the other twin, I guess?...

...Frankly, I can't even pretend to care anymore.

Oh, there's a dead body Twin-One-being-Twin-Two worries about for a whole episode, which is dull. The FBI agent continues to hang around, supposedly looking for Twin #1, but really, I think he just ❤s New York. This character borders on farcical btw. He also wears more eyeliner than your average teen emo.

Someone's pregnant (one of the twins, I mean). A baddy looking for Twin #1 tortures her AA sponsor. (Question: Why do TV shows these days always work in some torture porn? What is up with that?) Twin #2's sleeping with an international banker, or something, and doing something devious (I presume) while still being uber-posh, or something...

Wait a minute. Why am I watching this??

BUFFY- WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!?!

The point is, skip Ringer. Don't even dip your toes in. Put on a Buffy dvd on instead, or go for a walk. Clean the house, even. It's scarier than The Ring, that's for sure, but in a ver-y different way...

(Although kudos to whoever made the following trailer, it really hides the overall mediocrity of the material).