The Walking Dead

I have some emotional and psychological problems with zombies, ie they FREAK ME OUT.

Yes, I've heard every argument pertaining to the metaphorical nature of the undead (here's looking at you, Romero). Frankly, the idea that mindless consumerism can be represented by an actor in grey body paint with bits of their face falling off, is just lame. Don't zombie fans know that shopping makes people talkative and happy, and consequently, less likely to turn cannibal?

Ask any therapist.

When it comes to freaky-deaky favourites, the truth is, I like my monsters pretty. It's an aesthetic addiction. Cunning is also a preferred character trait. I'll take multi-dimensional over mindless any day. Ergo, vampires win out over zombies, fangs down.

Not to mention the distinctive difference in menu preferences. Vampires drink blood, while zombies chow down on people. There's no denying a vampire feeding frenzy is a lot easier to watch. It's the same reason I can't stand orange juice with pulp in it. I just don't like gooshy bits!

Frankly, zombies are all-round gooshy. They look gooshy, they eat gooshy, and their heads blow up gooshy when gamers shoot them. Call me weird, but I don't like/appreciate/enjoy watching animated corpses meander clunkily across the screen.

But in the name of dedicated research, I watched a few episodes of The Walking Dead. (What a hero. Medal for one, thanks).

It's important to keep in mind everything scary scares me, and not in an entertained way. I get stressed during suspenseful infomercials. (Will the stain come out? WILL IT?!)

On a side note- I'm often asked how is it that I can praise Buffy and Supernatural so much, if spooky stuff spooks me?

Maybe it's because the characters are complex, the heroes tortured, the anti-heroes fascinating? Whatever the reasoning, my subconscious deems those shows comparatively different (at the core) from straight horror. I literally flinch at the horror genre, and loathe the living dead. Personally, I think it's the mindlessness. And the gore. AND THE FEAR.

So, speaking of this show...

It seems slightly irrelevant to comment on the scripting, since word on the web has it they've just sacked the writing team. With regards to the pilot, I did like the idea of our hero waking up after the event. Very nice way to work it. Unfortunately, that could be the end of my compliments on this production.

To be fair, from a horror perspective, I guess I can't judge. I don't really have a frame of reference, aside from a few Twilight Zone episodes that crossed the border from psychological thriller to spookfest, which, in the eyes of horror fans, qualifies me as 'LAME'. I am friends with a surprising number of zombie afficionados (a fact which occasionally worries me) and they've backed up the impression I got- that this outing is subpar.

See, people who love zombies have seen it all, read it all, gamed it all. That's your inbuilt fan base, right there. To then offer them a show about two rungs above a student effort is a tad disappointing. Personally, I think zombie fans of the world deserve better.

(There's a sentence you don't get to type every day).

The characterisation is bland, almost caricatured. I can't remember anyone's name. I'd like to think the woodenness is because the character's are suffering shock or post traumatic stress disorder, but am leaning toward dodgy scripting.

Overall, this crew is way too mellow. Am I the only one who thinks a Z-apocalypse would be slightly more harrowing? For one thing, when I think post-apocalypse, I don't really think clean hair and ironed clothes.

But maybe I'm just not up on zombie-apocalyptic etiquette. (Note to self: order handbook).

Seriously, though- in this business called survival, a lot of time seems to be spent hanging around waiting, and I feel noone's cracking up appropriately. The Amazing Race competitors are more stressed/wired/dramatic than this mob. I mean, everyone you've ever known/loved/met/hated is now dead, and worse, a lot of them are EATING EACH OTHER.

Don't even get me started on the impromptu caravan park. Note to scriptwriters: this isn't a camping trip! When a zombie apocalypse is unfolding and you've barely managed to escape the city alive, wandering casually around the woods by yourself is a NO-GO. Remember the Blair Witch Project? Not so much a movie, as a what-not-to-do training video. (The Walking Dead is a bit of a haven for BWP's missing characters, from what I can tell).

Oh, and if that grunt-y sex scene in the woods was an attempt to emulate a touch (get it?) of True Blood's skanky allure, all I can say is, EPIC FAIL.

A zombie lovin' friend who pays close attention to the finer details pointed out quite a few technical discrepancies throughout the series. That seems to happen a lot in programs with supernatural (or kind of supernatural) elements. Any tv show with creatures, and the 'rules' waver from episode to episode. Or, to be more accurate, said 'rules' are rewritten/adjusted to handle expanding plot points/narrative, leaving viewers choking on the discrepancies.

(There are courses for this, people. Google Robert McKee).

Strangely, the mediocrity of this effort makes me realise the zombie concept does have scripted television potential, in the right hands. Unfortunately, so far, The Walking Dead is a D-grade misfire.

(And yes, I know the photo above is from Love, Actually, but I can't get past the fact the actor who played the weird guy writing TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE poster comments to his best friend's wife in that movie, is the heroic sheriff in this show. When he rode the horse through a zombie-filled city, all I could think was, where's Chuck Norris? We all know Walker Texas Ranger would thrive under the pressure of a zombie apocalypse).

The good news is, I finished my uncomfortable TWD viewing session with a dose of Sanctuary, and felt a whole lot better about my day.