The twelve days of Christmas equal saccharine television programming. So are you in, or are you out?
Telemovies made especially for Christmas have a weird effect on me. Mock, or not to mock? That's really the question. One part of my personality is gagging at the sterotypes and the sickly, simple narratives using Christmas 'miracles' to overcome dodgy scripting. Another part of me, maybe the inner child, is completely engaged, wholeheartedly supporting the idea Santa can fix anything and mean people do turn nice around yuletide.
Take the other nite, for example. The whole fam somehow ended up watching a tv movie about a little girl who finds an injured reindeer. Deciding it's Prancer, she hides her new friend in the back shed (as you do).
For a while we mocked some of the storyline discrepancies. "So that lady gave her fifteen dollars when it was early evening, then she apparently walked miles into town by herself in the snow and bought oats for the reindeer's dinner before walking back, when?? It's still twilight!"
Also, child services needed to look into this kid's care situation. She spent a LOT of time roaming around the forest/town by herself, talking to strangers. Sure, they turned out to be gruffly kindhearted, but still, if this wasn't a Christmas movie chances are she'd be the "uh oh" victim in a police procedural.
And yet... despite many flaws and numerous tacky moments, somehow, somehow, I still cried when the grieving dad bared his soul and the stupid reindeer did a lame CGI Santa sleigh run against the full moon backdrop.
WHAT IS THAT ABOUT?
Scripted television Christmas episodes are like the tinsel on the television tree. Like a Christmas movie, Yuletide-themed material alternates between touching and aggravating, full of mistletoe and good intentions.
Interestingly, sometimes quality shows don't write the best Christmas material, whereas every now and again a mediocre program pulls an xmas gem out of the santa sack.
Here's a dozen Christmas television viewing experiences indelibly printed on my brain, burnt into a cell next to the one marked 'Pointless Carol Storage, ie the third verse of Good King Wenceslas'.
On the First Day of Christmas, I Watch...
...Anything based on Dickens' A Christmas Carol.
Finding Scrooge on tv around Christmas is like shooting fish in a barrel. Family Ties produced a version and even the Jetson's got animated over Dickens (Get it?). There's also an endless ream of telemovies based around the idea of visiting your own past, present and potential future. An alluring Christmas concept, no matter the presentation. (Here's looking at you, Tori Spelling. Yes, she played a modern day girly Scrooge!)
On The Second Day of Christmas, I Watch...
...Friends, The One With The Holiday Armadillo.
Who can ever forget the sight of Joey dressed up as Superman, Chandler as Santa and Ross as the holiday Armadillo, all to explain Hankukah to young Ben? And of course, there's always Phoebe.
Ross: I think I want to take this year to teach him all about Hanukkah.
Phoebe: And maybe I could teach Ben about the Christmas skull and how people die.
Rachel: You may need to use this year to teach Ben about Phoebe.
On The Third Day of Christmas, I Watch...
...Buffy, Amends.
This is a great episode. The vampire Angel, recently resurrected and soul restored (long story) is being driven insane by an evil being haunting him with visions of his soulless past. He decides to commit suicide by sunlight. Buffy tries to dissuade him, but it's too late, sunrise is due... except it never happens. Miraculously for California, a sudden snowstorm fills the sky, obscuring the rays of the sun. Awww. Highly humanising.
Angel: "Look I'm weak. I've never been anything else. It's not the demon in me that needs killing Buffy. It's the man."
On The Fourth Day of Christmas, I Watch...
...The Vicar of Dibley, The Christmas Lunch Incident.
The poor vicar is invited to numerous lunches. To avoid insulting anyone, she wolfs down more food than is humanly possible at every Christmas feast. This is a gem of an episode. I like it when she drives across the road to the next meal, and eventually gets carried home on a forklift machine thing? (I think it's technically called something else- either way, HILARIOUS).
On The Fifth Day of Christmas, I Watch...
...Trashy Christmas Episodes.
Three way tie between Roseanne, My Name is Earl and Married With Children. Truly vulgar interpretation of Xmas that are full of laughs and also full of heart, too.
Darnell: Thanks Earl. It's cold outside in that manger. I don't know how Jesus did it.
On The Sixth Day of Christmas, I Watch...
...A Very Brady Christmas.
Combine a reunion movie with a Christmas telemovie, throw in an aged Brady Bunch cast on top of that dynamite combo, and what do you get? Television sooo bad it can only be good. Nostalgia combined with Christmas spirit makes me feel ill, similar to the sick feeling you get after too much Christmas pavlova. Terminally saccharine.
On The Seventh Day of Christmas, I Watch...
...3rd Rock From The Sun, Jolly Old Saint Dick.
American culture can never again look as kooky as it did through the weird lens that was the Solomon 'family'. The concept of Christmas is comedy gold in this framework. Prepare to laugh hysterically as everyone's favourite aliens stagger their way through earth's yuletide rituals.
On The Eighth Day of Christmas, I Watch...
...Supernatural, A Very Supernatural Christmas.
Appeals to the inner Christmas cynic. Strikes right at the creepy factor overly decorated homes inspire. You know, when there's just so many plastic reindeers jerking around on someone's roof it seems to hit you somewhere in the solar plexus. In this episode victims disappear up the chimney (yes, you read that right). Pagan gods who pervert the spirit of Christmas deserve the wrath of the Winchester brothers, that's all I'm saying.
Dean: So what the hell do you think we're dealing with?
Sam: Actually I have an idea.
Dean: Yeah.
Sam: It's gonna sound crazy.
Dean: What could you possibly say that's going to sound crazy to me?
Sam: Um, Evil Santa?
Dean: Yeah, that's crazy.
On The Ninth Day of Christmas, I Watch...
...The Last Leaf.
I think this is meant to be a religious Easter film, but I've always caught it at Christmas, so am including it in the list. A little girl gets sick after befriending an elderly artist. In her fever she decides she'll die when the last leaf falls off the vine on the wall opposite her bedroom window. She gets sicker with each leaf lost, but the last leaf never falls (suspicious during snowstorm weather!). The little girl gets better, only to discover her old friend went out and painted a leaf onto the wall in a snow blizzard, only to fall off the ladder and die. CUE SOBBING.
On The Tenth Day of Christmas, I Watch...
...Twilight Zone, Night of the Meek.
I saw this weird, TZ take on a Christmas special when I was really young. A show always wonderfully written, the Santa sack episode is no exception. A nice way to break up standard tv mistletoe fare.
On The Eleventh Day of Christmas, I Watch...
...King of Kings.
Ok, it's not a telemovie. It's highly religious. Whatever qualms you might have about this film, I can't get through the holiday season without it. As a child, it was indelibly burned into my psyche. When I got older, cynical uni friends would offer lofty criticism like, "It's technically impossible for Jesus to have blue eyes, you know". I didn't care then, and I dont care now. I'm fine with being unhip about this movie. In the irrational, emotive spirit of Christmas, I love this movie for its grandeur, the kindness of its hero and the tragedy of his crucifixion (oh, did I ruin the ending for anyone? Don't worry, there's more).
On The Twelfth Day of Christmas, I Watch...
...The O.C. The Best Chrismukkah Ever.
Combine Christmas and Hanukkah said Seth Cohen. Pure genius, according to anyone at the time suckered in by the latest zeitgeist. I still think it's a fun idea, but I could be seeing the concept through rose-tinted Adam Brodie glasses. (He played Seth as such a cutie).
Seth: You can't ruin Chrismukkah. It's got twice the resistance of any normal holiday.
Finally... Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night! :)
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