Being Human

A vampire, a werewolf and a ghost share an apartment. The question is, who tells the story better? The Brits or the Yanks?

I'm going to run with the Yanks (shock, horror). While Being Human US is set in Boston and screens on America's Syfy channel, pedantic fans will tell you the show is actually produced by a Montreal company. This doesn't surprise me; I generally like shows that have a touch of the Canadian aesthetic to them.

(*Note: I'm only comparing the first seasons, because the US version is still fresh blood... excuse the pun!).

The English version of Being Human is definitely enjoyable, don't get me wrong, but I agree with a random comment I read somewhere on the web, pointing out the British industry's tendency toward 'gritty' television could be viewed as code for 'poor production values'.

I also found the British version of Being Human a touch Torchwood in tone; ie too dramatic slash over-emotional. I lean more toward a hint of subtlety when showcasing tortured characters. If you love the BBC version, props to you. Personally, when it comes to this tale, I favour the storytelling across the water.

Word on the web says the series began as an odd housemates concept, following the adventures of a sex addict, an agoraphobe and a guy with violent tendencies. The creator chose to throw in a dash of supernatural flair later on, dipping into the current zeitgeist. Personally, I prefer the supe take myself (no surprise there).

In terms of casting, I love the vampire/werewolf combo in the US version. Sam Witwer is great as the tortured vamp. I liked Witwer in Smallville, and apparently he also had recurring roles in Dexter and Battlestar Galactica. Those with good eyes and a memory for bit-part appearances may also recall Witwer from one-off ep appearances in Angel and Dark Angel, but that's almost a decade ago now.

Sam Huntington is quite an inspired choice for the werewolf role. He plays the woosy, socially inept character as such an unlikely violent type, his performance makes for riveting viewing. Huntington's face is familiar from Veronica Mars, but he's been around for years, popping up in generally b-grade movies (Fanboys isn't b-grade though, just to clarify). He's also done the pre-requisite procedural tours, ie NCIS and Law & Order.

Weirdly, I thought it was the actress who made me dislike the female ghost character in the British series, but I don't like the ghost in the American series either. This made me realise it's not the actresses, so much as the way the character is written.

What is it with the need to make women so lame onscreen? The girly ghost is kind of simple; moping around, missing her fiance. I think she's meant to be 'sweet', but sweet comes off as a bit dense and two-dimensional here. I wish they'd overhauled her character and added a bit more edge this time around.

The worst casting in the US version, to me, is the inclusion of actor Mark Pellegrino. I thought he was terrible in Supernatural last season, and I don't like him here as the prerequisite baddie. Maybe he rocked the small screen in Dexter and Lost, but I'm not familiar with either show. He's one of those actors you're always being told is talented, yet as a viewer, I'm never particularly moved by his performance?

I'm glad they kept the hospital backstory in the US series. I really like the banality of the vamp and werewolf's day jobs as orderlies. The mundanity of the setting really grounds them in normality; the complete contrast to their tortured supernatural lives outside of work makes their internal struggles even more poignant and jarring.

The visual aesthetic is lovely. Sure, occasionally quite dank settings, but I like the lighting and angles in both series. Not as moody as Supernatural or The Vampire Diaries (ie not many true blacks), there is, however, still a kind of pall cast over each shot. Every day, regardless of how much the sun shines, comes across a touch grey onscreen. A fair reflection of the state of mind shared by our suffering protagonists, I guess.

Hopefully the US narrative will diverge from its British counterpart more and more as the series unfolds. Personally, I found the Herrick storyline a bit tacky/tiresome, and wouldn't want to sit through that 'evil world domination' thing again...

But it does seem likely the two shows' season arcs will part company before long. The latest ep of the US effort included (what appeared to be) a True Blood-inspired, slightly gory sex scene that I don't recall from the first season of the British series!

I Know That Face

Do you ever feel like your brain is full of bit-part actors?

My mind just needs a few seconds of visuals to kickstart streaming feed, like an organic version of the Internet Movie Data Base. For some unknown reason, the cells upstairs are programmed to instantly recall an actor's entire television history in the blink of an eye.

I'm a walking information booth that charges a handful of popcorn, and maybe some icecream. All a friend has to whisper is, "Why does the main character's younger brother look vaguely familiar? What's he from?" and I'll come back with, "He was a dead man haunting his brother in a third season of Ghost Whisperer, a recently returned Vietnam Vet in a flashback scene from Cold Case and, I'm pretty sure, a recurring character in a teen show on the Disney channel in the late eighties."

Unless Hollywood decides to summer in Perth rather than the Hamptons, this isn't a marketable skill. Sure, it impresses film and television fans, but in general, as my family constantly tell me when I try to point out that the actress on screen played a classmate of Sabrina the Teenage Witch eight years ago, "Shut up already. Noone CARES."

Let's make this clear. I'm not talking one or two roles here. My mind recalls actors from their first big break. Yes, that walk-on non-speaking part in an indie film seventeen years prior, followed by the rest of their screen time up to the present day. The kind of visual recognition that would take up a wall of hard drives. Whole lotta RAM.

To my brain, film and television is one long complex puzzle, somewhere between a crossword and Soduku. The name of the game would be something like Place-A-Face... with the occasional information overload.

Take the actor who plays Detective Ryan in Castle. He's a Small Screen Regular, aka a facial recognition imprint that can send my mind into overdrive. "Mechanic-in-one-episode-of-Charmed" jumps out first, but numerous one episode appearances flood through after that. He did single eps of Crossing Jordan and Jag way back in the day, Ghost Whisperer and NCIS: Miami more recently.

Basically, the sight of his face short-circuits the tv memory portion of my brain. TMI.

The big question is, how much thinking room is all this actor recognition taking up? I mean, could I have picked up another language, or a second degree, with the brain space that's been allocated to recording the faces of bit part actors in every television scene I've ever watched?

Looking on the bright side (I always like the bright side), it makes the television industry as a whole seem more intertwined, and kind of familial. For example, I like noting how often actors swing guest roles for follow thespians they've worked with in the past. It adds a homey touch to the viewing experience.

One program that consistently strives to cast quality talent is Smallville, aka The Adventures of Young Superman. Because of its comic book origins, Smallville's scripting style has often allowed actors to really run the gamut of emotions.

Smallville alumni you might recognise? Laura Vandervoort (Lisa in the new V), Sam Witwer (Being Human US version), Jesse Metcalfe (Desperate Housewives), Kristin Kreuk (Chuck), Jensen Ackles (Supernatural), Ian Somerhalder (The Vampire Diaries); just the tip of the iceberg.

And let's not forget, Smallville always welcomed the beloved like James Marsters from Buffy and Michael Shanks from Stargate. They even collected classic faves with open arms (here's lookin' at you, Jane Seymour and Terence Stamp!).

In case you're wondering, Smallville rated a wind-up mention in this blog because the cult show is closing up shop. Having logged up an epic decade on the small screen, its departure marks the end of a (viewing) era for fans. Although never an avid watcher, I will definitely miss the show's heroic presence (get it?). It's been a long run for Clark Kent... Bon voyage Superman x

What Happened?

Why is it that after a fantastic first season, (once) favourite shows succumb to a second season slip, or a third season slide?

Watching the premiere season of a new show is similar to the first three months of dating someone. You're enamoured. Every experience is wonderful, every habit intriguing, every flaw an adorable quirk.

Suddenly, SNAP! The allure is gone. You can't help thinking, what the hell was all that about?

Scenes from the X-Files episode Anasazi pop into your head, the one where Mulder went loopy and it turned out someone was slipping hallucinogens into the water supply...!... Infatuation is kind of like that (minus the hallucinogens excuse).

"It's not you, it's me" is a standard, the gloss-is-gone, relationship line. When it comes to ditching television programs, a more accurate version would be "It's not me, it's them".

Television writers occasionally wander so far off-course, there should a scriptwriting version of search and rescue that can be called in to aid with narrative recovery.

To be fair, production company politics, network interference, staff changes to the writing team, too much creative input from someone further up the chain... there's a plethora of reasons television shows succumb to disastrous narrative direction. (Three words: Buffy Season Seven!).

Sadly, great shows inadvertently shoot themselves in the foot when they deliver a kick-ass premiere season. Having set the standard so high, audiences balk at (what they consider) mediocre follow-up seasons. In truth, badly received year two and three offerings of great shows are often equal in quality to other less lauded but popular television programs.

Here's half a dozen prime examples of recent hardcore sliders:

The Good Wife

In The Beginning... it surprised me that I liked a legal procedural so much. The show's premise relies on the audience empathising with the protagonist Alecia. Poor woman has to deal with the personal and professional fallout resulting from the public exposure of her husband's wicked ways (major summary). Also, the multi-facted mob at the law firm made for fascinating supporting characters.

Unfortunately, Later On... it all went haywire. By season two, the writers have inspired such a deep and irrational dislike of Alecia's troglodyte husband and children, it's no longer possible to empathise with her quandaries. Frankly, any episode that doesn't revolve around Alecia assuming a new identity and escaping to Mexico is a disappointment.

True Blood

In The Beginning... True Blood was a wild ride. Vamps merging with modern culture. A telepathic Southern barmaid named Sookie. So much fun! I'll concede the books are better, but enough of the supernatural core of the story survived the small screen transition to guarantee cult success.

Unfortunately, Later On... True Blood went seriously AWOL. The second year suffered at the hands of a terrible season arc, The Maenad Fiasco. (Now, whenever I catch a Star Trek: The Next Generation episode with Ensign Ro in it, I get flashes of Marianne. Bleh!). Rather than being written out, annoying character Tara was granted more storylines and a love interest named Eggs. Worst of all? They cut off Eric's hair.

Gossip Girl

In The Beginning... this glam soapie was so much fun, following the lives of a group of spoilt rich kids from Upper Manhattan (yes, I'm ignoring the Humphreys). Decadent teen lifestyles, fuelled by a parenting deficit, made for endless dramatic fodder. Gossip Girl was an instant guilty pleasure, wrapped in sumptuous high-end fashion.

Unfortunately, Later On... like many teen-oriented predecessors, the show stumbled during that treacherous high school to college transition. The characters remained as self-absorbed as ever, but some storylines floundered outside the secular confines of a high school setting. Don't get me wrong, GG's still fun, but the first and second season were by far the strongest. Luckily, the fashion remains hypnotic.

Parenthood

In The Beginning... this show bedazzled with a standout ensemble cast and a sassy, family-driven script. The return of Gilmore Girls' Lauren Graham was also a major plus in my book. I cared about the Bravermans when they first hit the small screen (I've even got a blog to prove it).

Unfortunately, Later On... this one wandered right off the map. Family dramas walk a fine line between being lovably outrageous/emotionally difficult, and plain aggravating. The Bravermans have now become so incredibly annoying, I flick to another network whenever they appear onscreen. Yes, they're the tv version of neighbours you try to hide from!

Glee

In The Beginning... this quirky little musical drama about a school teacher and his obsession with Glee club was heartwarming, funny, inspiring and sweet. The writing in the first season, upon occasion, was also quite witty. (Maybe someone should send the writers the first season dvd to rewatch? Screening party in the green room or something?).

Unfortunately, Later On... the creators began to repeatedly abuse the concept of a thematic tangent. As a friend pointed out to me, the tie-ins for theme episodes are generally lame and lazy. As for the writing, season two is often bizarre, heavy-handed, preachy, and even downright insulting at times.

Sons of Anarchy

In The Beginning... this show about a motorcycle gang was brilliant, and there's no denying S of A showcased some of the best casting I've seen on the small screen in a long while. The writing was thoughtful in terms of content, the episodes well structured. There's a reason everyone got so excited about this one.

Unfortunately, Later On... I hate to say it, but every now and again the third season of Sons of Anarchy gets a little... Aaron Spelling. You know, interpersonal 'drama, drama'. Don't get me wrong- there's still thoughtful storylines, but they seem occasionally buried under flashier narrative options. (Although I'll forgive Sons of Anarchy anything because Jax is SO PRETTY).

*In the interest of not coming across too narky, I would like to add an addendum. I still watch a number of these programs, and there are moments when they shine with their original gleam. Of course, too often that light is hidden under the accumulated grime of lazy and/or repetitive scripting, but there's always a chance they could return to their former glory, which is why I'm hanging in there...

...AND there's the (albeit) slim outside chance a program could up and Supernatural it, ie come straight out of left field and stride confidently toward a pinnacle of television writing, hitting us with seasons four and five that are so mindblowingly entertaining it makes wading through the mediocre years absolutely worth it!

Twenty of the (Short-Lived) Best

Every now and again, networks make a huge mistake, cancelling a brilliant show after only one season. For a quality viewing experience (albeit a short-lived one), consider chasing up some of the following from the small screen vault.*

*While a number of these programs were universally lauded by critics, others make the list for personal reasons, or because they seemed to contribute to the growth of a certain television genre at that point in scripted history.

There's a good chance I've probably forgotten a handful of single season tv gems. Keep in mind, others were ignored because they indisputably deserved their summary execution. Sorry, I mean cancellation (here's looking at you Stargate: Universe!).

IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER:

1. Firefly

This Joss Whedon series has become an iconic example of quality programming mismanaged by the network. Upside for the cast? Firefly alumni now pop up regularly across the scripted spectrum.

2. Terriers

Tim Minnear's latest series was a sort-of procedural about two private detectives without a licence. The show ran with the tagline "just when you thought crime dramas were safe". Kind of weird, definitely addictive, and of course, now cancelled.

3. Drive

For a while there, Tim Minnear just couldn't catch a break. This was another Nathan Fillion vehicle (cast-wise, Emma Stone was also in the mix). Follows contestants in an illegal road race. A great program that bit the dust six episodes in.

4. The Black Donnellys

Not for the faint of heart, this show follows Irish-American brothers in New York mixed up in crime. Fans of The Sopranos seem to warm to Black Donnelly's. Kate Mulgrew (aka Captain Kathryn Janeway from ST: Voyager) is brilliant as the multi-faceted mother figure.

5. Freaks and Geeks

One of the most blunt teen shows ever made (in terms of portraying adolescent suffering) this soon became a cult hit. The program strove to capture the uncomfortable cruelty of high school, ie a maelstrom of social horror and emotional torture.

6. Space: Above and Beyond

One of the standout scripted science fiction programs of the nineties and nominated for two Emmys, the story follows a Marine Corp in Earth's first intergalactic war. The writing was excellent, the cinematography dark and atmospheric. Definitely a memorable scifi gem lost far too soon.

7. Huge

From the creator of My So-Called Life (also on the list), this show follows the life and loves of a group of teenagers, the difference being the cast are overweight and the story's set at fat camp. Western culture has a lot of complex reactions to overweight individuals, which seemed to inhibit audience numbers.

8. Kindred: The Embraced

While some of you may shake your heads in mock horror, I think Aaron Spelling's supernatural soapie was ahead of its time; one of the first really commercial efforts to marry modern vampire mythos and popular scripted television. Plans to revive the series fell through when the lead actor died.

9. Rubicon

This one's a thinker. Debuting in 2010, the program is more about subtlety than out and out action, which is probably the main reason behind Rubicon's cancellation. To summarise, an intelligence analyst begins to suspect a secret society is manipulating governments around the world.

10. The Powers of Matthew Star

Follows a teenage protagonist (the title's self-explanatory). An early eighties sci-fi show that probably wouldn't stand up to scrutiny now, but makes the list for introducing me to the idea of paranormal television.

11. Wonderfalls

A strange little show where the female protagonist, a retail assistant with a philosophy degree, has random conversations with animal figurines/ornaments that generally lead her to help people in trouble (however unwillingly). Definitely worth checking out.

12. Nowhere Man

His memory stolen, a photojournalist tries to figure out why his identity has been erased while being chased by mysterious government types. This show came out around The X-Files period, and has a similar conspiracy feel (minus the alien factor).

13. My So-Called Life

A young Claire Danes won a Golden Globe for her efforts in this gritty teen-focused mid-nineties program that never sidestepped the hard issues. Modern tv writers have been known to cite the show in their list of inspirations.

14. American Gothic

A mid-nineties horror series that put the spooky and the kooky into television. The cop is the bad guy, rather than the hero here, with supernatural abilities to boot. Definitely chill-inducing, and one for horror classicists.

15. The Good Guys

I'll admit, I'm a fan of Colin Hanks, which may be swinging my decision here. Recently cancelled, this odd couple pairing procedural deserved a chance at another season, especially since cop shows often find a following later in life.

16. Threshold

A first contact series written by Brannon Braga. I enjoyed the premise, but apparently not many others did, hence the early cancellation. Cast included Brent Spiner, who played Data in Star Trek: The Next Generation.

17. The Lone Gunmen

A spin-off from The X-Files, following the very clever, socially-challenged characters who occasionally helped Mulder and Scully. Turns out viewers like their investigators a little more suave and pretty, which was a shame.

18. 10 Things I Hate About You

Sometimes, in the midst of appreciating gritty, well-written programs, a dose of fairy floss television can be relaxing. A teen spin-off with Ethan Peck, grandson of Gregory Peck, offering the prerequisite eye candy.

19. Commander In Chief

I could never understand why this show was so summarily dropped. Yes, 'ratings', is the obvious answer, but after such a strong debut wouldn't a second season have made sense? Geena Davis was great as the first female American president.

20. Caprica

It's hard when you're a spin-off of a show that didn't hold its own audience. Battlestar Galactica was gritty science fiction, dark and intense. This quality follow-up British effort (actually a prequel), was different in tone, but still didn't manage to win new viewers, which was a pity.

The Middies Are Back

It's almost time for the US of A to unleash some mid-season scripted newbies on us all.

Those scoffing "Mid-season replacements are like Stargate: Universe was to the SG franchise; short-lived shows qualifying as bad fillers", should bite their tongues. A lot of programs born to be between-season fillers go on to become grown-up shows!

Buffy The Vampire Slayer was a middie, as was Grey's Anatomy. Dawson's Creek, The Black Donnellys, Third Rock From The Sun, Moonlighting and even Walker, Texas Ranger, all started their lives in the rating's grey zone.

IMAGINE THAT.

This year, I really want to watch The Cape.

A genre show aimed at a niche audience, the best it can hope for is to become the new Chuck. That is, a popular show among weird audience types; consistently walking so close to the cancellation line that fans find themselves equally relieved and exasperated each time a new allotment of episode orders are announced.

You just keep on pushing my love over the borderline.

Madonna, Borderline lyrics.

So what's The Cape about? In a very tight summary, a wronged cop is framed for a crime he did not commit. (How often have you read that line?). He then becomes a superhero. (That line, not so much).

Personally, I always find superheroes a little naff to watch in 'real life' ie film and television. Visually, what seems terribly awesome in comic form somehow never really translates to anything other than, well, terrible and kind of embarassing onscreen. (Bar the X-Men movies, but only because the costume department got smart and dressed most of the cast in sleek dark ensembles).

I'm sure many people would argue this isn't true, but my blog, my opinion. On the bright side, at least a cape is kind of subtle. The title makes no mention of fluoro undies on the outside, or Mardi Gras-friendly amounts of lycra.

The best part about The Cape is the return of Summer Glau. There's an actress who always holds my attention. Some people find her a bit blank, but that's more a reflection of casting patterns than performance. When she's played voluble characters- or moments when her crazy characters imitate the sociable- she's been equally as fascinating/riveting as when she plays a Terminator (The Sarah Connor Chronicles) or a damaged genius (Firefly). I just hope this proves a strong vehicle, because I'll cringe if Summer is reduced to Sassy Hot Chick On The Side.

The Brits offer the ex-colonials across the water a bout of help via Skins and Being Human, two popular British programs that have undergone Americanisation. Here's hoping the (conceptual) transplants take.

I quite like Being Human, which sees a vampire, a ghost and a werewolf forced to share a flat. If the show's writers want to master the melding of nitty gritty inter-personal relationship issues with supernatural themes, they should take a leaf from Supernatural. (Any opportunity to plug the Winchesters!).

The American version of Skins, shot in Canada, comes under the MTV umbrella. For some reason this gives me flashbacks to the scene from Reality Bites where Winona's raw, touching Gen X footage is mutilated by the 'hip' youth channel. De ja vu? Let's hope not.

There's another British remake hitting screens, called Shameless. Unfortunately, it seems bound to score a lot of 'Shameful' puns in review headlines. The general consensus on the net so far is leaning toward epic disappointment, and the program hasn't even screened yet. Part of the outcry, I think, is due to the fact viewers, and reviewers, generally have higher expectations from the HBO network.

On the boring front, prepare for more cop shows, because apparently there's not enough procedurals out there. Worse, an offshoot's in the mix. Yes, a new Criminal Minds. Networks just can't resist the lure of procedural franchising... sigh.

On the law front, Fairly Legal gives the impression it will be fairly entertaining. The story follows a kind of Ally McBeal lawyer girl who instead becomes a mediator? It should be slightly more watchable than painful. (That's my anti-law show bias coming through). In reality, FL will probably prove quite popular.

Portlandia looks set to be either weirdly uber-cool or weirdly uber-lame. I don't think there's any other reaction for this style of comedy, aside from the classic hit or miss scenario. Filmed on location with Saturday Night Live staffers involved, I think there might be just a hint of Flight of The Conchord's humour flavouring that there mix... maybe worth at least one viewing?

There is, of course, the obligatory Trying To Be The New Friends effort. This year it's Happy Endings, which follows a group of friends (Six, to be exact. Would you look at that?) who have to survive a disastrous non-wedding between two of their tight-knit clique. As one character describes it:

This is a classic story of boy meets girl, boy losers girl to guy on rollerblades, boy becomes greatest youtube sensation since kitten stuck in tuba.

Happy Endings, Season 1, Episode 1.

Some of the lines are quite witty; lighthearted entertainment perfect for a quiet weeknight. There's your obligatory, easy-laughs Bridget Jones kind of character in the mix, who is always SO MUCH FUNNIER in film and television than in real life. (In reality, the fact that successful, healthy women are still utterly obsessed with catching a man and getting that long-cherised wedding ring qualifies as a tragedy more than anything else).

My standout pick of the middies is Mr Sunshine, with original Friends alumni Matthew Perry and the fantastic, ever-droll Allison Janney. Perry's character Ben Donovan is turning forty and manages an event venue called The Sunshine Centre. Let's just say his life is a bit of a mess. The show also stars James Lesure, from Las Vegas, and is penned by writers from The Family Guy, which I think implies the humour won't sink to lame levels. The trailer is laugh out loud funny, so I'll be watching.

Of course, the best thing about the middies is, no matter how much you correlate the data (writer's resumes, casting choices, quality of promos) you often miss a diamond in the rough, a quiet little sleeper that goes on to explode across the cultural zeitgeist.

Fingers crossed, then, for a fresh, wild and totally unexpected (scripted) success this middie season, because who doesn't like surprises? x

The Xmas Deluge

The twelve days of Christmas equal saccharine television programming. So are you in, or are you out?

Telemovies made especially for Christmas have a weird effect on me. Mock, or not to mock? That's really the question. One part of my personality is gagging at the sterotypes and the sickly, simple narratives using Christmas 'miracles' to overcome dodgy scripting. Another part of me, maybe the inner child, is completely engaged, wholeheartedly supporting the idea Santa can fix anything and mean people do turn nice around yuletide.

Take the other nite, for example. The whole fam somehow ended up watching a tv movie about a little girl who finds an injured reindeer. Deciding it's Prancer, she hides her new friend in the back shed (as you do).

For a while we mocked some of the storyline discrepancies. "So that lady gave her fifteen dollars when it was early evening, then she apparently walked miles into town by herself in the snow and bought oats for the reindeer's dinner before walking back, when?? It's still twilight!"

Also, child services needed to look into this kid's care situation. She spent a LOT of time roaming around the forest/town by herself, talking to strangers. Sure, they turned out to be gruffly kindhearted, but still, if this wasn't a Christmas movie chances are she'd be the "uh oh" victim in a police procedural.

And yet... despite many flaws and numerous tacky moments, somehow, somehow, I still cried when the grieving dad bared his soul and the stupid reindeer did a lame CGI Santa sleigh run against the full moon backdrop.

WHAT IS THAT ABOUT?

Scripted television Christmas episodes are like the tinsel on the television tree. Like a Christmas movie, Yuletide-themed material alternates between touching and aggravating, full of mistletoe and good intentions.

Interestingly, sometimes quality shows don't write the best Christmas material, whereas every now and again a mediocre program pulls an xmas gem out of the santa sack.

Here's a dozen Christmas television viewing experiences indelibly printed on my brain, burnt into a cell next to the one marked 'Pointless Carol Storage, ie the third verse of Good King Wenceslas'.

On the First Day of Christmas, I Watch...

...Anything based on Dickens' A Christmas Carol.

Finding Scrooge on tv around Christmas is like shooting fish in a barrel. Family Ties produced a version and even the Jetson's got animated over Dickens (Get it?). There's also an endless ream of telemovies based around the idea of visiting your own past, present and potential future. An alluring Christmas concept, no matter the presentation. (Here's looking at you, Tori Spelling. Yes, she played a modern day girly Scrooge!)

On The Second Day of Christmas, I Watch...

...Friends, The One With The Holiday Armadillo.

Who can ever forget the sight of Joey dressed up as Superman, Chandler as Santa and Ross as the holiday Armadillo, all to explain Hankukah to young Ben? And of course, there's always Phoebe.

Ross: I think I want to take this year to teach him all about Hanukkah.

Phoebe: And maybe I could teach Ben about the Christmas skull and how people die.

Rachel: You may need to use this year to teach Ben about Phoebe.

On The Third Day of Christmas, I Watch...

...Buffy, Amends.

This is a great episode. The vampire Angel, recently resurrected and soul restored (long story) is being driven insane by an evil being haunting him with visions of his soulless past. He decides to commit suicide by sunlight. Buffy tries to dissuade him, but it's too late, sunrise is due... except it never happens. Miraculously for California, a sudden snowstorm fills the sky, obscuring the rays of the sun. Awww. Highly humanising.

Angel: "Look I'm weak. I've never been anything else. It's not the demon in me that needs killing Buffy. It's the man."

On The Fourth Day of Christmas, I Watch...

...The Vicar of Dibley, The Christmas Lunch Incident.

The poor vicar is invited to numerous lunches. To avoid insulting anyone, she wolfs down more food than is humanly possible at every Christmas feast. This is a gem of an episode. I like it when she drives across the road to the next meal, and eventually gets carried home on a forklift machine thing? (I think it's technically called something else- either way, HILARIOUS).

On The Fifth Day of Christmas, I Watch...

...Trashy Christmas Episodes.

Three way tie between Roseanne, My Name is Earl and Married With Children. Truly vulgar interpretation of Xmas that are full of laughs and also full of heart, too.

Darnell: Thanks Earl. It's cold outside in that manger. I don't know how Jesus did it.

On The Sixth Day of Christmas, I Watch...

...A Very Brady Christmas.

Combine a reunion movie with a Christmas telemovie, throw in an aged Brady Bunch cast on top of that dynamite combo, and what do you get? Television sooo bad it can only be good. Nostalgia combined with Christmas spirit makes me feel ill, similar to the sick feeling you get after too much Christmas pavlova. Terminally saccharine.

On The Seventh Day of Christmas, I Watch...

...3rd Rock From The Sun, Jolly Old Saint Dick.

American culture can never again look as kooky as it did through the weird lens that was the Solomon 'family'. The concept of Christmas is comedy gold in this framework. Prepare to laugh hysterically as everyone's favourite aliens stagger their way through earth's yuletide rituals.

On The Eighth Day of Christmas, I Watch...

...Supernatural, A Very Supernatural Christmas.

Appeals to the inner Christmas cynic. Strikes right at the creepy factor overly decorated homes inspire. You know, when there's just so many plastic reindeers jerking around on someone's roof it seems to hit you somewhere in the solar plexus. In this episode victims disappear up the chimney (yes, you read that right). Pagan gods who pervert the spirit of Christmas deserve the wrath of the Winchester brothers, that's all I'm saying.

Dean: So what the hell do you think we're dealing with?

Sam: Actually I have an idea.

Dean: Yeah.

Sam: It's gonna sound crazy.

Dean: What could you possibly say that's going to sound crazy to me?

Sam: Um, Evil Santa?

Dean: Yeah, that's crazy.

On The Ninth Day of Christmas, I Watch...

...The Last Leaf.

I think this is meant to be a religious Easter film, but I've always caught it at Christmas, so am including it in the list. A little girl gets sick after befriending an elderly artist. In her fever she decides she'll die when the last leaf falls off the vine on the wall opposite her bedroom window. She gets sicker with each leaf lost, but the last leaf never falls (suspicious during snowstorm weather!). The little girl gets better, only to discover her old friend went out and painted a leaf onto the wall in a snow blizzard, only to fall off the ladder and die. CUE SOBBING.

On The Tenth Day of Christmas, I Watch...

...Twilight Zone, Night of the Meek.

I saw this weird, TZ take on a Christmas special when I was really young. A show always wonderfully written, the Santa sack episode is no exception. A nice way to break up standard tv mistletoe fare.

On The Eleventh Day of Christmas, I Watch...

...King of Kings.

Ok, it's not a telemovie. It's highly religious. Whatever qualms you might have about this film, I can't get through the holiday season without it. As a child, it was indelibly burned into my psyche. When I got older, cynical uni friends would offer lofty criticism like, "It's technically impossible for Jesus to have blue eyes, you know". I didn't care then, and I dont care now. I'm fine with being unhip about this movie. In the irrational, emotive spirit of Christmas, I love this movie for its grandeur, the kindness of its hero and the tragedy of his crucifixion (oh, did I ruin the ending for anyone? Don't worry, there's more).

On The Twelfth Day of Christmas, I Watch...

...The O.C. The Best Chrismukkah Ever.

Combine Christmas and Hanukkah said Seth Cohen. Pure genius, according to anyone at the time suckered in by the latest zeitgeist. I still think it's a fun idea, but I could be seeing the concept through rose-tinted Adam Brodie glasses. (He played Seth as such a cutie).

Seth: You can't ruin Chrismukkah. It's got twice the resistance of any normal holiday.

Finally... Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night! :)

The Walking Dead

I have some emotional and psychological problems with zombies, ie they FREAK ME OUT.

Yes, I've heard every argument pertaining to the metaphorical nature of the undead (here's looking at you, Romero). Frankly, the idea that mindless consumerism can be represented by an actor in grey body paint with bits of their face falling off, is just lame. Don't zombie fans know that shopping makes people talkative and happy, and consequently, less likely to turn cannibal?

Ask any therapist.

When it comes to freaky-deaky favourites, the truth is, I like my monsters pretty. It's an aesthetic addiction. Cunning is also a preferred character trait. I'll take multi-dimensional over mindless any day. Ergo, vampires win out over zombies, fangs down.

Not to mention the distinctive difference in menu preferences. Vampires drink blood, while zombies chow down on people. There's no denying a vampire feeding frenzy is a lot easier to watch. It's the same reason I can't stand orange juice with pulp in it. I just don't like gooshy bits!

Frankly, zombies are all-round gooshy. They look gooshy, they eat gooshy, and their heads blow up gooshy when gamers shoot them. Call me weird, but I don't like/appreciate/enjoy watching animated corpses meander clunkily across the screen.

But in the name of dedicated research, I watched a few episodes of The Walking Dead. (What a hero. Medal for one, thanks).

It's important to keep in mind everything scary scares me, and not in an entertained way. I get stressed during suspenseful infomercials. (Will the stain come out? WILL IT?!)

On a side note- I'm often asked how is it that I can praise Buffy and Supernatural so much, if spooky stuff spooks me?

Maybe it's because the characters are complex, the heroes tortured, the anti-heroes fascinating? Whatever the reasoning, my subconscious deems those shows comparatively different (at the core) from straight horror. I literally flinch at the horror genre, and loathe the living dead. Personally, I think it's the mindlessness. And the gore. AND THE FEAR.

So, speaking of this show...

It seems slightly irrelevant to comment on the scripting, since word on the web has it they've just sacked the writing team. With regards to the pilot, I did like the idea of our hero waking up after the event. Very nice way to work it. Unfortunately, that could be the end of my compliments on this production.

To be fair, from a horror perspective, I guess I can't judge. I don't really have a frame of reference, aside from a few Twilight Zone episodes that crossed the border from psychological thriller to spookfest, which, in the eyes of horror fans, qualifies me as 'LAME'. I am friends with a surprising number of zombie afficionados (a fact which occasionally worries me) and they've backed up the impression I got- that this outing is subpar.

See, people who love zombies have seen it all, read it all, gamed it all. That's your inbuilt fan base, right there. To then offer them a show about two rungs above a student effort is a tad disappointing. Personally, I think zombie fans of the world deserve better.

(There's a sentence you don't get to type every day).

The characterisation is bland, almost caricatured. I can't remember anyone's name. I'd like to think the woodenness is because the character's are suffering shock or post traumatic stress disorder, but am leaning toward dodgy scripting.

Overall, this crew is way too mellow. Am I the only one who thinks a Z-apocalypse would be slightly more harrowing? For one thing, when I think post-apocalypse, I don't really think clean hair and ironed clothes.

But maybe I'm just not up on zombie-apocalyptic etiquette. (Note to self: order handbook).

Seriously, though- in this business called survival, a lot of time seems to be spent hanging around waiting, and I feel noone's cracking up appropriately. The Amazing Race competitors are more stressed/wired/dramatic than this mob. I mean, everyone you've ever known/loved/met/hated is now dead, and worse, a lot of them are EATING EACH OTHER.

Don't even get me started on the impromptu caravan park. Note to scriptwriters: this isn't a camping trip! When a zombie apocalypse is unfolding and you've barely managed to escape the city alive, wandering casually around the woods by yourself is a NO-GO. Remember the Blair Witch Project? Not so much a movie, as a what-not-to-do training video. (The Walking Dead is a bit of a haven for BWP's missing characters, from what I can tell).

Oh, and if that grunt-y sex scene in the woods was an attempt to emulate a touch (get it?) of True Blood's skanky allure, all I can say is, EPIC FAIL.

A zombie lovin' friend who pays close attention to the finer details pointed out quite a few technical discrepancies throughout the series. That seems to happen a lot in programs with supernatural (or kind of supernatural) elements. Any tv show with creatures, and the 'rules' waver from episode to episode. Or, to be more accurate, said 'rules' are rewritten/adjusted to handle expanding plot points/narrative, leaving viewers choking on the discrepancies.

(There are courses for this, people. Google Robert McKee).

Strangely, the mediocrity of this effort makes me realise the zombie concept does have scripted television potential, in the right hands. Unfortunately, so far, The Walking Dead is a D-grade misfire.

(And yes, I know the photo above is from Love, Actually, but I can't get past the fact the actor who played the weird guy writing TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE poster comments to his best friend's wife in that movie, is the heroic sheriff in this show. When he rode the horse through a zombie-filled city, all I could think was, where's Chuck Norris? We all know Walker Texas Ranger would thrive under the pressure of a zombie apocalypse).

The good news is, I finished my uncomfortable TWD viewing session with a dose of Sanctuary, and felt a whole lot better about my day.