Buffy-Ingenuity=Ringer

Boy, did Sarah Michelle Gellar choose the wrong vehicle for her comeback or what? Yes, Buffy's back, but it's not pretty. Frankly, the best SMG's new tv show can hope for is a REALLY early cancellation.

I thought maybe it was just the pilot. I considered the idea that I was terribly biased on account of the Buffy love. I tried to step back and pretend SMG had never swung a stake in Sunnydale.

In short, I focused on being open to the slayer's new project. I mean, there's only one Joss Whedon. The chances of SMG hooking up with a production team as awesome as her old crew were pretty slim.

Expectations now seriously lowered, I watched two more episodes...

...and the best I can say is, there's a very talented cast going to waste on some seriously mediocre scriptwriting, more's the pity.

I honestly gave Ringer a fair chance. Really I did. Unfortunately, Buffy: The After Years is atrocious. Well, to be fair, the first episode was atrocious. From then on, the show moved forward to merely awful. (As Xander would say, "Yay??").

Gellar plays an ex junkie stripper. Oh, and she has a really rich identical twin sister (as you do). The pilot's so cliche-ridden you might want to wear protective headgear because there's only so many times you can be slapped in the face with a tv stereotype.

Gellar Twin #1 is a witness in police protection, complete with wooden FBI guy who says lame and predictable lines about putting the bad guy behind bars blah, blah, blah.

We start off at Alcoholics Anonymous, where Gellar convincingly non-portrays her character (ie shows us how ill-cast she is to play an ex-junkie stripper).

I also loved how the authorities 'hide' their star witness at a cheap motel, complete with a plain clothes cop sitting guard outside her room 24/7. CAUSE THAT'S NOT WEIRD OR BOUND TO DRAW SUSPICION.

Now on the run, having wigged out on the witness thing, Twin #1 goes to see Twin #2. This is an uncomfortable and weird scene 'cause the twins have history. Or herstory. Maybe herstories??

Also, I can see that Twin #1 is going to be the better person, despite her dodgy past. How do I know this? Because she wears her hair down a la naturale. Hence, she is now the good twin. (I've watched enough bad television to recognise the signs).

Suddenly, FOR NO REASON, they take a boat ride together without changing into, I don't know, boat riding kind of clothes?? Or is that boat more of a mini-yacht?? (Frankly, I'm not rich enough to tell the difference). Back to my oh-so-important point. Shouldn't they be wearing bathers, maybe? Or even kaftans?

Note: The above was meant to read, "take a boat ride together in the studio". MY EYES. (Did I mention I'm sensitive to low grade effects?)

Twin #1 wakes up on the boat/yacht whatever (obviously after being drugged, but frankly EVERYTHING about this story is brutally obvious at this point) and Twin #2 is gone, her clothes floating in the ocean. Naturally (as naturally as twinkies growing on trees), Twin #1 becomes Twin #2.

Now we get to watch Twin #1 stagger around pretending to be Twin #2. To pull this off, she needs to figure out who her friends/family are. There's also a lot of convoluted soapie-esque group dynamics etc, because these people are rich Americans. Everyone who's anyone knows this automatically translates into DRAMAH DARLING.

It's true. Loaded US of A citizens have affairs all the time and scheme a lot, because, hello, who hasn't seen popular documentary series Gossip Girl? (She is everyone's favourite voiceover-er and KINDA like the U.S. version of David Attenborough).

SHOCKINGLY (by which I mean, not shocking in any way), it turns out rich twin is not dead but pulling some kind of complex ruse. Frankly, it's hard to care as she is a two-dimensional caricature of Wealthy Types, ie standoffish/scheming/self-absorbed/wandering around in a lot of bling.

And get this- she hits the (fake?) European streets in disguise. By which I mean, A BIG HAT AND DARK GLASSES.

The plot thickens (or should I say congeals, becoming more sluggish, glugg-y and generally inconsumable), when someone tries to kill the rich twin. Keeping in mind it's actually the poor twin pretending to be the rich twin, but nobody knows that. Except the other twin, I guess?...

...Frankly, I can't even pretend to care anymore.

Oh, there's a dead body Twin-One-being-Twin-Two worries about for a whole episode, which is dull. The FBI agent continues to hang around, supposedly looking for Twin #1, but really, I think he just ❤s New York. This character borders on farcical btw. He also wears more eyeliner than your average teen emo.

Someone's pregnant (one of the twins, I mean). A baddy looking for Twin #1 tortures her AA sponsor. (Question: Why do TV shows these days always work in some torture porn? What is up with that?) Twin #2's sleeping with an international banker, or something, and doing something devious (I presume) while still being uber-posh, or something...

Wait a minute. Why am I watching this??

BUFFY- WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!?!

The point is, skip Ringer. Don't even dip your toes in. Put on a Buffy dvd on instead, or go for a walk. Clean the house, even. It's scarier than The Ring, that's for sure, but in a ver-y different way...

(Although kudos to whoever made the following trailer, it really hides the overall mediocrity of the material).

Who's that girl? It's Jess!

Fresh tv show New Girl, starring Zooey Deschanel, is a nice 'n light slice of sitcom fun.

Decent sitcoms are currently few and far between. Remember the good old days, when sitcoms weren't just about ugly chubby men with hot wives? Laughing along with Will & Grace, wincing at the embarrassing antics of the Seinfeld crew, shaking your head at Frasier's pomposity. And let's not forget Friends, the Holy Grail of hang out television.

Ensemble chemistry is key to any program's success, and New Girl offers a nicely balanced cast. The whole show revolves around indie darling Zooey Deschanel in the lead role of recent singleton Jess. Luckily, Deschanel is a dab hand at playing kooky and adorable, without the performance tipping over into saccharine.

Jess isn't chubby and plain but she is- weird. That's what makes her so loveable to viewers, but potentially unattractive to today's (tv) males, who prefer simpler sexual fare. Any girl with strange collecting habits, a penchant for fantasy or even a love of nanna-esque fashion will relate to Jess on some level.

Jess: A rebound? I don't know if I'm ready or not.
Schmidt: You're totally ready for it, I'll take you through the whole thing, I'll be like your guide.
Jess: Like Gandalf through Middle Earth?
Schmidt: Probably not like- okay, first of all, let's take the Lord Of The Ring references, lets put 'em in a deep, dark cave, where noone's gonna find them, ever.
Jess: Except Smeagol (whispers) He lives in a cave.
New Girl, Season 1, Episode 1.

Another loveable factor is Jess's obviously less-than-savvy sexual persona.

Jess: Woah, cute guy alert!
Schmidt: Okay Jess, game time, let's do this- you wanna forget about Spencer, you're gonna have to do some very, very bad things to that man right over there.
Jess: How bad??
Schidt: Real bad Jess. REAL BAD.
Jess: (pause) Like a makeout session, no tops?

New Girl, Season 1, Episode 1.

Sure, some writing moments are a tad mediocre, but there's also a lot of lighthearted laughs. Already, it's obvious the show's strength will be the closeknit bond shared by the four flatmates.

And let's be honest- sometimes you just want to mellow out on the couch and laugh. You don't want to think anymore, you don't want to worry about following intense, convoluted storylines, you don't want to be challenged... you just want to chillax. (Yes, I already feel bad about using that word).

So, say hello to Jess and her homies.

Just like in Friends, this crew care about each other right off the bat. Sometimes modern sitcoms overlook this vital element. In trying to be funny, the characters often become cruel and sarcastic. A sitcom without empathy can 'taste' like pizza base without yeast; flat and lifeless. New Girl looks like a return to an old fashioned but winning formula... in that, it has heart.

Similar to runaway bride Rachel in the first episode of Friends, Jess is desperate for a fresh start following a disastrous break up. But in a post-millenium twist, instead of crossing paths with the new crew at a coffee shop, Jess finds her soon-to-be clique on craigslist.

When I saw the trailer for New Girl, I wasn't sure about the male characters. They seemed like walking cliches. However, after catching the first episode, I have to admit I now adore each and every one of them!

Schmidt, played by Max Greenfield (yes, that's Veronica Mars' cop boyfriend), is desperate to be perceived as cool, dying to hook up with hot chicks and totally obsessed with the idea of Jess having model friends. As a result, he's constantly putting money in the apartment Douchebag Jar.

The scene where he high fives and yells street-esque lingo back and forward with another bunch of office workers at the local pub is such a sad attempt at white collar hipness, it's hilarious.

The softest personality in the group is Nick, played by Jake M. Johnson, whom I love already. The flashbacks of drunken phone calls to his ex, where he adopts international accents, are so CUTE. He's the softhearted, suffering type, and a bit of a scene stealer.

The final guy in the roommate trio, a fitness instructor/personal trainer played by Damon Wayans Jr, is a comedic gem. Nicknamed Coach, his inability to communicate with women is sure to pull a lot of laughs over the season. (Pull? Get it?).

Each of these characters gets some one-on-one time with Jess in the pilot (and no, not in THAT way). Deschanel offers fantastic onscreen efforts in every one of these scenes. Nick, Coach and Schmidt all click with Jess, in their own unique ways, boding well for the show.

There's also the inference of an established dynamic between the three men. For example, I love how Nick, when placed in the middle of a conflict between the other two more forceful personalities, regularly raises his hood and hides.

The most ANNOYING aspect of the first episode is actually the sloppy continuity. If continuity is your thing, this episode will probably drive you up the wall. Jess's hair has a life of its own. Her glasses move on and off her face between edits. Worse, once you pick up on it, you can't stop registering the constant visual glitches.

Like any new show, it's hard to tell if the humour will hang in there (in terms of quality). Sometimes tv writing can go haywire, especially in a sitcom. Trying for laughs can override storyline considerations, giving the material a forced feel.

Overall, New Girl isn't for cynics, or for lovers of hard-hitting television. The show will appeal to those who think being awkward is okay, who are happy to laugh at the lighthearted moments in life, and like the idea that a you can get through everyday dramas with the help of kindhearted friends.

Not to mention fans of Zooey Deschanel. (They're going to have a field day). However, if you can't stand the actress, maybe give the show a miss, because New Girl is definitely her vehicle.