Hellcats and Nikita both launched on the CW network in America this week. A cheerleader with an attitude, and a sexy spy gone rogue. Unfortunately, they proved to be prime examples of what happens when you don't really worry about that pesky little thing called narrative.
Sure, the shows are glossy, the people are pretty, but guess what? This isn't a photograph. Audiences watch a scripted series once for the sexy factor, twice for the story.
Note to the writers: your job isn't meant to resemble Monopoly. Collect enough tired cliches, and you DON'T get to pass Go. And you really shouldn't receive $100.
Hellcats is exactly like Bring It On. That is, minus the funny parts, irony, three dimensional characters, clever scripting (hell, any decent scripting) or narrative structure. Instead, predictable plot hurdles are inserted exactly one metre (or should I say one ad break) apart for the painfully cardboard cutout characters to drag themselves over.
Let's walk through the pilot.
Law student despises cheerleaders. Loses scholarship. Insert fight with random cheerleader. Learns there's a cheerleading scholarship. Discovers random cheerleader is actually head cheerleader. Auditions, but is no good at conformity. Throws in terrible pole dancing slash bad krumping moves. Coach loves the crazy individuality. (Cause that's what I think when I think cheerleading. A celebration of individuality). Surprise, gets cheer scholarship. Moves into dorm. Another surprise, forced to share room with head cheerleader.
It's too painful to go on. There's just so much more that you've probably already imagined.
!!!
G-O-T-E-A-M.
When I think spy drama, I think espionage, betrayal, pathos, the concept of identity, basically an exploration of more complex themes, within the parameters of an adrenalin-pumping action series. Then there's Nikita.
Nikita is one of those characters who always takes the time to condition and straighten her hair, even when on the run. Here's a sample of my internal dialogue during the pilot:
-It was obvious from the first scene the teenagers a plant. Are they honestly trying to pass that off as the big reveal at the end of the episode?? Oh God, they are.
-Please, as if it isn't obvious that's not her at the grave, but a dummy, so she can double back and surprise the guy in the car. Oh, no, wait, she's actually going to do that popping up in the back seat thing. This is so lame.
-So she kidnapped the Intel guy, and then the department wonders how she's now breaking into their Intel... seriously??
-Oh gee. At the end of the episode it's 'revealed' her handler had feelings for her. What a shocker.
-Wait a minute. Her great crime- was falling in love?? (Cue gag).
By the end of the hour I had a predictability headache. (Similar to a tension headache, but brought on by bad scripting).
Suggestion for the writers? Watch Buffy The Vampire Slayer, follow it up with a few seasons of Veronica Mars, and hopefully you'll figure out how to do your job.
Oh, and CW? Here's a cheer for you think about... Pick up your game, cause right now it's LAME.
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